CopingWithCotards

About CopingWithCotards

Hello. This is my blog, centred around coping with Cotard's syndrome. I'm an eighteen-year-old boy diagnosed with Delusional Disorder, formerly called Paranoid Delusional Disorder. I'm pretty severe, so I was diagnosed at 13. I experience different kinds of delusions because of this, with Cotard's being just one type. I've gotten enough medical help to be self-aware, but I still fall for my mind's tricks, unfortunately. No matter how many times I remind myself that what I think reality is just isn't true, I can't help but feel the way I do. I've been through therapy, medication, psych ward, psychiatrist, nothing seems to help me anymore. I fell into drug abuse, of course it didn't help my case either. So now, I'm using this blogsite to try and reality-check myself in a way that's documented publically for others to see my experience.. Maybe it'll educate you, and on an off chance, you might be able to relate. I'm not sure, but I'd like to think that I'm doing something good.

Entry1 July 29 2025, 10:32pm

My obsession with the dead, death, corpses, has skewed my idea of beauty so badly. Between being molested throughout childhood, and developing Delusional Disorder, I don't think my self-esteem will ever recover. I've developed a habit of beating myself to try and Punish myself for my ugliness. I don't have many outlets for my anger. I hope someone notices soon, and maybe can get me some more help, or something. I don't know what they'd even really do for me, though. I've already had all the medical help I can get, and consolidation/reassurance is never of any help. Sometimes, when people comment on how Sickly I've become, I feel alright, but it's too temporary. I'm happy for a day, at most. I want to be a corpse. I Want to be a corpse, and nobody understands that. I've been relying on body modifications such as piercings and tattoos and starving myself to try and feel closer to being non-human, something like a zombie, or Something.. Something like that. I wish I could just feel normal, but I don't think that's achievable for me.

Entry2 July 30 2025, 11:01pm

I feel ugly, I feel ugly again, I feel ugly again today. I feel ugly every day. I feel like an ugly, disgusting, freak, and not in the way I want to be. Even though I'm considered to be "in delusion" at all times, I have these bouts, or, ruts.. or "episodes" where I get worse, So much worse. Unbearably worse. I always end up snorting methocarbamol again. I don't want to relapse, just because of the guilt that I know will come with it. I have so many friends that want me to recover, but I just can't. In my heart, I want to stay ill, I want to get More ill.I want to punish myself I want someone to Notice. I feel like I have to scream from the rooftops about how Sick I am just for someone to care, I wish someone would care.

I miss my boyfriend. Yes, I'm a Faggot, pick a struggle Blah blah blah Whatever. I miss my boyfriend. I miss him, I want him to see how sick I am, And I want him to hold me and tell me I'll be okay. But I know that won't happen, all I'll do is scare him. Whatever, I'll continue dreaming. I get to see him after work tomorrow, Hopefully I don't scare him. Today, I remembered when I was a young boy, my grandmother used to tell me that when my grandfather dies, she wants to "keep his body to sleep with him for one more night", and I think I like that. I want him to love me like that, Because I know that's how I locve him. Maybe that,s Wrong, maybe that's wrong, but that's how I love him. I can't tell anybody this, because first thoughts are that I sound like I'm trying to be "edgy", but it's just how I feel. I've been on anti-psychotics because of it, people think I "know better", but clearly not. This is Just how I Feel.

Entry3 August 24 2025, 1:51am

I've been too busy to update my journal diary blog whatever the shit. I'm not doing good..Again. Still? I'm not quite sure which one it is. One of my friends had to move in with me and gone I fee l like I barely have privacy. It makes it harder for me to relapse, but maybe that's a good thing. I spent almost four hours watching documentaries about nevcrophiliacs today. I havent been sober for 28 hours now. No, no, no, I was feeling better for a bit. I was feeling OK, I was feeling good, I don't know what happened. I don't know what exactly happened. But, here I am, again, and, I am worse slihghtly , tHis time. Oh well,

I miss ,y boyfriend, again, again, again, what's/new? What else i new? Nothing. I hate this. Awareness that I'm slipping into an episode, still too delusional to break out of it. Oh ,well.

Cotard's is typically categorised in three "stages", germination/blooming/chronic, and two different types. I used to be chronic, but then I was sent into psych and I've recovered at least slightly. When I was a kid, around the age of 12/13, I used t lay Face-down in the driveway all day and Refuse to eat or sleep. I had stopped attending school and I had no friends, and it persisted consistently for a few months,. I'm still extremely deficient/stunted because of this, I do believe. I have a very low red blood cell count. Cotard's aside, I feel as though my body is breaking down and withering away. I feel like I'm dying every day attributed to by my past malnourishment problems. I have patellofemoral pain syndrome, I start to hurt after walking. I hurt and my knees give out on me. My elbows are starting to go, too. My elbows, my knees, my ribs my back. Everything hurts.

Internally, I do still believe I've died and been reborn within one lifetime multile times. Every few years, I have a great reset. Everything is taken away from me, and I die. I die, anfd I watch myself be reborn. I'm still waiting for the rawest, purest, Most true version of myself to emerge. .. I don't know. I never know what I want from myself, who I am,, who I want to be. I don't admire anyone or any figure for certain traits. The only reason I set any "real" goals for myself is because I have to, I Have to. Without my family breathing down my neck to go to college, get a job, succeed, I would dedicate my life to spiritual mysteries and perhaps my physical appearance. Those are the two things that I really ponder the most.,,,.... Well, that, and my boyfriend. I suppose my want to take care of him motivates me as well.