CopingWithCotards

About CopingWithCotards

Hello. This is my blog, centred around coping with Cotard's syndrome. I'm an eighteen-year-old boy diagnosed with Delusional Disorder, formerly called Paranoid Delusional Disorder. I'm pretty severe, so I was diagnosed at 13. I experience different kinds of delusions because of this, with Cotard's being just one type. I've gotten enough medical help to be self-aware, but I still fall for my mind's tricks, unfortunately. No matter how many times I remind myself that what I think reality is just isn't true, I can't help but feel the way I do. I've been through therapy, medication, psych ward, psychiatrist, nothing seems to help me anymore. I fell into drug abuse, of course it didn't help my case either. So now, I'm using this blogsite to try and reality-check myself in a way that's documented publically for others to see my experience.. Maybe it'll educate you, and on an off chance, you might be able to relate. I'm not sure, but I'd like to think that I'm doing something good.

Entry1 July 29 2025, 10:32pm

My obsession with the dead, death, corpses, has skewed my idea of beauty so badly. Between being molested throughout childhood, and developing Delusional Disorder, I don't think my self-esteem will ever recover. I've developed a habit of beating myself to try and Punish myself for my ugliness. I don't have many outlets for my anger. I hope someone notices soon, and maybe can get me some more help, or something. I don't know what they'd even really do for me, though. I've already had all the medical help I can get, and consolidation/reassurance is never of any help. Sometimes, when people comment on how Sickly I've become, I feel alright, but it's too temporary. I'm happy for a day, at most. I want to be a corpse. I Want to be a corpse, and nobody understands that. I've been relying on body modifications such as piercings and tattoos and starving myself to try and feel closer to being non-human, something like a zombie, or Something.. Something like that. I wish I could just feel normal, but I don't think that's achievable for me.

Entry2 July 30 2025, 11:01pm

I feel ugly, I feel ugly again, I feel ugly again today. I feel ugly every day. I feel like an ugly, disgusting, freak, and not in the way I want to be. Even though I'm considered to be "in delusion" at all times, I have these bouts, or, ruts.. or "episodes" where I get worse, So much worse. Unbearably worse. I always end up snorting methocarbamol again. I don't want to relapse, just because of the guilt that I know will come with it. I have so many friends that want me to recover, but I just can't. In my heart, I want to stay ill, I want to get More ill.I want to punish myself I want someone to Notice. I feel like I have to scream from the rooftops about how Sick I am just for someone to care, I wish someone would care.

I miss my boyfriend. Yes, I'm a Faggot, pick a struggle Blah blah blah Whatever. I miss my boyfriend. I miss him, I want him to see how sick I am, And I want him to hold me and tell me I'll be okay. But I know that won't happen, all I'll do is scare him. Whatever, I'll continue dreaming. I get to see him after work tomorrow, Hopefully I don't scare him. Today, I remembered when I was a young boy, my grandmother used to tell me that when my grandfather dies, she wants to "keep his body to sleep with him for one more night", and I think I like that. I want him to love me like that, Because I know that's how I locve him. Maybe that,s Wrong, maybe that's wrong, but that's how I love him. I can't tell anybody this, because first thoughts are that I sound like I'm trying to be "edgy", but it's just how I feel. I've been on anti-psychotics because of it, people think I "know better", but clearly not. This is Just how I Feel.